Reflections
by Igrayne01
Summary: One-Shot. After a night of passion with Thane Krios, Commander Angelina Shepard ruminates on her past mistakes and their consequences.


The steady, shallow breaths of a man in the deepest of sleeps thundered through her head as she lay wide awake with her eyes focused on the ceiling. His shoulder was like sculptured marble, and hardly a soft place for her to rest her perpetually mussed head. Despite this, she snuggled closer to Thane's well-muscled form, tucking the folds of the warm blanket tighter around the both of them. The monolith-like fish tank that dominated the far wall offered the only light, emitting a warmth that heightened the exotic alien smells and sensations that danced in her mind. The proximity of him was dizzying, yet she didn't know if the delirium she felt was a side effect of his hallucinogenic pheromones or her own giddiness at being able to finally express all her long-suppressed desires to her alien lover.

Mordin had warned against the consequences of mating with a Drell, and as much as she hated to admit it, the doctor had been right. Already she could feel the unpleasant burn of their skin's repeated contact, and she knew she would be paying for it soon if she didn't slip out of bed before Thane had a chance to wake. She didn't care, however; she would make generous use of the ointments the Salarian had prepared for this eventuality, and pray to God that she was still well enough to function when they touched down on the Collector base…

_If_ they touched down on the Collector base. The Illusive Man had made it clear the mission was almost assuredly a one-way trip through the Omega 4 Relay, and despite Commander Angelina Shepard's bravado, she was afraid for them all.

Thane Krios had come to her with similar fears, arriving unannounced in her quarters as she was in the midst of examining a datapad of information from the Illusive Man. His arrival had taken her quite by surprise, though no more so than the silent tears he began to cry at the futility of finding love again when he was so close to death. Within minutes she was beside him, stroking away the tiny droplets with the back of her gentle hand as her full lips sought his and they moved to the bed. Then it had been an exhilarating hour of lovemaking and then sleep—for Thane, at least. For the first time in what seemed like many years, Angelina was restless, her lover's words planting a seed of doubt in her mind that had heretofore been absent.

"I've assembled a good team. We're prepared to meet this threat—_and eliminate it_," she had haughtily declared to the Illusive Man in their last meeting. Now, revisiting those words, she wasn't quite so sure her confidence had been warranted. There was a very real chance that some—or all—of them would die before they saw the mission through. And then what? Would their sacrifice have been for nothing? Would the Reapers continue their conquest of the galaxy?

Suddenly, with shocking intensity, the memory of Horizon came, unbidden, into her mind. She had sought cover behind supply crates as Garrus Vakarian leveled shots at the swarms of Collectors that had descended upon the poorly fortified structure. The fighting was over before it began. And then a face she half expected never to see again—Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko's—materialized like a ghost ship in the star-studded darkness. There were so many things she had wanted to say to him as he pulled her into an embrace, his raw musk tickling her nostrils. His arms around her felt familiar, safe, and somehow just seeing him again put her mind at ease about the evolution of their mission. And then things had been blown to hell when Kaidan accused her of working for Cerberus and against the interests of the Alliance. One terse exchange of words later and Kaidan was gone, declaring she had "changed" in her absence.

_Well, of course I did, you dolt! I was dead for two years!_ she had wanted to scream, but doing so would have been fruitless. Kaidan's allegiances were with the Alliance and with Councilor Anderson—not with her.

Shortly following that meeting, Yeoman Chambers had patched through an electronic correspondence from him in which he apologized profusely for his actions and expressed a desire to continue their relationship, but to Angelina, the damage was already done. His framed picture, which had once perched proudly at her workstation, was now face-down on the desktop, a grim reminder of her only remaining regret.

Her blue eyes darted to the workstation as she lay there with her head against Thane's chest, a slight pang of guilt warping the memory from its foundation. Ashley Williams was the next face to come to mind. The pretty young NCO had bravely volunteered to join Captain Kirrahe's strike team, and without so much as the blink of an eye, Angelina had sent her to her death in a decision that had haunted her even years later. As she and Kaidan had sat in the debriefing, mourning their loss, Angelina had done her best to reassure him her sacrifice was not in vain.

"I can't believe that Ash didn't make it. How could we just leave her down there?"

When pressed as to the reason for her decision, she had meekly admitted, "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I'd never leave you behind. I couldn't. You know that."

"I know. And I am grateful. But Ash died because of me. Because of us," he said with disgust, his dark eyes blazing. Her hand sought his, but he had pulled it free of her grasp before her fingers could even graze his knuckles.

"It wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault. The only one to blame here is Saren." She said the words without conviction, making it painfully obvious to the lieutenant that she harbored as much of the guilt as he did.

"Yes, ma'am. I… we'll get it done."

Her eyelids fluttered shut as his words penetrated her thoughts. She had spared Kaidan on Virmire not only because he was an exceptional soldier, skilled with a weapon, and good at following orders—but also because she had allowed her attraction to him to cloud her judgment. Her decision had been fueled by hormones and not by careful consideration. And even now, with the dissolution of the relationship, Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams of the 212 was still dead. It was something her family would have to live with for the rest of their lives.

Shame overtook her. Would that Ashley could see her now, safely ensconced in the arms of the Drell while her former lover Kaidan had abandoned her. She imagined the less-than-amused look that had often creased the petite woman's brow when a particularly troubling set of circumstances faced her. And to know now that her death had been in vain… The thought made her stomach roil.

Angelina quickly put the thought of Ashley's wide-eyed face from her mind. Slipping out from under the covers, she tiptoed up the short flight of stairs—heedless of her nakedness—and slipped into the plush leather seat at her workstation. Casually scanning through her personal messages at the computer terminal, she grimaced as a barrage of spam flooded her inbox.

"Siha, you are awake?"

Peering down to the bed where the Drell now gazed back at her with wide black eyes, Angelina silently cursed her heavy step. He would no doubt know something was up—discerning as he was—and Ashley and Kaidan were currently a sore topic.

"Yes, I was just checking my messages," she said, flicking off the screen as she moved back across the room and toward him.

Her room, the captain's quarters, was sparse but comfortable. Aside from the paneled fish tank, a bed, her workstation, and other standard furniture that cluttered the floor, it was surprisingly empty and well-kept. Angelina partly had Yeoman Chambers to thank for that; the rest she attributed to good housekeeping, a trait her mother had instilled in her from a very young age. A small tiered display case containing souvenirs from some of her previous missions as well as some of her toy model ship collection was the only adornment on the walls. The blue light from the tank illuminated Thane's sleek features as he sat there in the dark, staring at her for any sign that would belie her claim.

"Tell me, what occupies your thoughts?" his deep voice rasped.

"How is it you can read me so well?" she said with a sigh, walking back toward him as he pulled back the covers, allowing her the chance to slip into bed beside him. Running a hand through her short black tresses, she did just that.

"I have fought beside you and I know your heart. I know when it is you are hiding something, though if it is your fears about the upcoming battle, you needn't bother. I already know."

His hypnotic gaze wove a spell over her, his black eyes so sensual and disarming. She found herself curling into the curve of his body, placing his arms about her once again so she could feel the warmth and comfort she had been so lacking these last two years. His translucent green skin was considerably smooth and warm to the touch, and so unlike what she had expected it would be—a pleasant surprise. Everything about him was well-formed contours and rigid angles, all draped in an utterly beguiling package. How was she to resist him when Kaidan had so callously cast her aside?

"I worry about my crew," she said absently, her mind reflecting on Virmire. It was a name that felt so utterly inconsequential now in the face of the Collector threat. The Omega 4 Relay was nothing like Virmire—if anything, the danger was amplified. There would be more deaths if she wasn't careful, and she wasn't sure how much more her guilty conscience could handle. "I worry that I did everything I could to protect them. I suppose none of it matters now… EDI's charted a course, and there's no turning back."

"Siha, your decision was made and your crew trusts you to see this mission through to its finish. Now trust them to follow your orders. Whatever the risk involved, each one of us volunteered knowing the price."

Her hands kneaded the skin of his belly gently as he talked, his deep voice assuaging her fear and the anger that lay behind it.

"You're right," she whispered, her arms gripping the Drell for a few moments longer. Soon they would be passing through the relay, and then… Angelina would be left to deal with whatever cruel hand fate dealt her. Win or lose, it didn't matter. She would either have to live with the consequences of her decisions or suffer an unpleasant death that would almost assuredly spell doom for the fate of the galaxy.

Instead of mulling over these thoughts further, she found herself nuzzling against Thane, seeking out his body's warmth as she pulled him to her with a searing kiss full of passion and promise. Their lips danced together and their tongues battled for a few moments longer. The weight of his body caused her petite form to collapse against the bed as her loins began to tense and tremble anew.

For now, the galaxy could wait… Win or lose, she had the trust and loyalty of her companions. They would pull her through.


End file.
